Over the coming months the HTB4F general election coverage will be keeping you up to date on which privately schooled politi-bot is likely to be ruining your life for the next five years, and how you can make a few bob off the back of it all! 

The biggest event of the political cycle is about to kick off, forcing you to choose between a rejected bad guy from Downton Abbey, and a man so not cut out for the public eye that he can even manage to turn eating a bacon sarnie into a PR disaster.

But it’s not that simple. 

With everyone generally getting tired of people offering the same shit in a different coloured bag, plenty of other crazies have turned up at the party - leaving us with the political equivalent of the fight scene from Anchorman. Like middle-aged divorcees, the Tories or Labour will find themselves climbing into bed with somebody they didn’t intend to after a long night at the polls, leaving us with a hung parliament.

So HTB4F are going to set the record straight and give you an overview of the key players, what they’re about, and how likely it is that the public will pick them to be our government on Thursday 7th May. 

As it currently stands in the averaged poll positions, Labour are leading with 34% with the Tories hot on their heels at 33%. Conservative lapdogs the Lib Dems are neck and neck with the Greens, whilst Diet Fascists UKIP are holding the middle ground with 14% of the vote. 

So without further ado…

Tories

Forming the majority of our current Con-Dem coalition, the Tories have been calling the shots in Britain for the past five years. Should they be elected again we should expect more cuts to publicly owned services, privatisation of the NHS and systematic dismantling of government support for society’s least fortunate.

The Tories tow a pro-business line and will make the UK a haven for business growth - aiming to further reduce taxes in a bid to get people spending. They will also be allowing many businesses and wealthy individuals to syphon their income through tax havens which has resulted in a £19.1 billion loss to the treasury in 2013/14, whilst placing the blame on benefits scroungers. 

The Conservatives also have the benefit of support from the British media’s sizeable right wing and a strong and experienced leader in David Cameron compared to Ed Milliband.

The Tories are hot on the heels of their red rivals with only a point separating them. Ipsos Mori data shows that Labour leads tend to shrink towards an election, suggesting that the Tories could well be the party with the most seats come May.

Labour

The current poll leaders are a puzzling bunch. The success of their shift to the centre-right under Tony ‘illegal war’ Blair saw them win widespread support form businesses and Joe Public alike. Eventually however the bubble burst under the bulging de-regulated financial markets and allowed the Tories through the door in 2010, wiping their feet on Labour’s economic credentials as they entered.

Labour are generally pilloried by the British press, which behaves in the manner of a group of right wing schoolgirls who, once they’ve decided they don’t like you, will attempt to make your life misery until you throw yourself from something high or hand in your resignation, no matter the cost.

Labour are basing their campaign around the protection of the NHS and a drive towards greater equality within the country - a noble cause, but in reality is unlikely to be all that different from a Tory-style austerity gang-bang.

Having said that, their intention to freeze energy bills until 2017 and provide 25 hours of childcare support a week to working parents could hold their support in place. A lack of public support from business leaders derived from Labour’s desire to restrain free-market capitalism, could hamstring them on the home straight as the British public’s economic fears kick in however.

Greens

Formerly dismissed as a bunch of tree huggers in socks and sandals, the Green party have established themselves as the only truly left wing UK party. Whilst they are unlikely to wield any real power in the next government, they have the most favoured policies in the 500,000+ response survey on www.voteforpolicies.org.uk (well worth visiting if, like myself, you are a floating voter). 

The Greens are the only party to decide policy through democratic internal procedures. Driven by total equality and support for the poor, supporting re-nationalisation of the railways, bolstering of the NHS and other public services. They also propose legalisation and regulation of the drugs market.

Although they have surged in membership and seen a growth of support, the radical nature of their policies with regards to re-structuring the British economy and redistributing wealth will be too much for many voters. Expect to see one or two seats won, but little else.

Lib Dems

The nearly men of British Politics. They waited in the wings for over 100 years before giving the Conservative party a leg-up into power in 2010, losing the support they had built up before the election more or less over night. A perceived betrayal of their traditional voters in allowing university tuition fees to skyrocket amongst other compromises has left Nick Clegg viewed as little more than a political joke.   

Billing themselves as the best of Labour and Tory policy, the Lib Dems have claimed they will reduce taxes for millions in the UK whilst raising them on big business and the country’s wealthiest. They also plan to ring fence the NHS and education, also maintaining a support for international aid and welfare.

Despite these crowd-pleasing policies, the traditional Lib Dem support base has all but evaporated following their involvement in the coalition government. For this reason it’s likely we’ll see them lose a few seats and most influence in government.

UKIP

A whirling vortex of real ale, Tory defectors and apologies for racist/misogynist/homophobic/xenophobic comments, the rise of UKIP has baffled many. Championing the power of ‘common sense’ the party have pitched themselves as the party of the masses who are disillusioned with the status-quo of British Politics.

This anti-establishment billing is highly appropriate considering they are lead by that rare political animal: a privately educated white male who used to work in the city…

The party is filled with disgraced ex-Tory MPs and ex-Tory activists, it’s even funded by ex-Tory money.

UKIP seems to brush off the numerous scandals exposing them as largely racist and reactionary as if they weren’t there, the BBC continue to give Farage disproportionate amounts of airtime, and thick closet racists continue to support them.

Without a clear manifesto or policy document to date, the party are little more than a far-right Tory splinter group nurturing dubious alliances with holocaust deniers and fascists in the EU.  

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